Saturday, April 21, 2007

New School Year Time

April means a new school year in Japan. The poor kids only get a week off before they start up again. In the summer they only get a month off. When I explain about summers in America, with 2 and a half months of lazy days and camp, they don't seem to believe me. Eduation for kids age 5 - 18 is serious shit here. School, followed by clubs, followed by cram school, followed by me! Homework is optional in my classes, cause that would be some sadist bullshit!

So the new year means new classes for me too. I lost a few, and gained a few new ones. Maybe I could say I lost a few bad ones and gained a few good ones. Here's my account...


  • The cute little 5 year old girl who beats on the boy in the class. I mean like slapping him and kicking him. The thing was, he loved it. They had this great top/bottom relationship going. They even looked the parts. Her, tiny and cute, with an evil smile and laugh. Him, same age but about twice as big, kinda oafy. She was the one who coined the term, "Chin chin baka sensei." Stupid penis teacher. Then she cried on the last day cause she was sad that she wouldn't see me anymore. I'll miss these 2.
  • My junior high class. They were so great. They would try to speak English, so instead of focussing on the lame textbook, we'd chat a lot. 3 girls and 1 boy. This is the class where we were talking about books we read for fun. One girl, 11 years old, pulls out Saw 2, the paperback. The boy and girls would flirt, and little Kentaro has some game. I'm really gonna miss this class.
  • I won't type his name. Let's just call him spoiled, angry, devil child. He's gone from my class.
  • 2 seperate bilingual students. Just when I was teaching one of them blackjack betting techniques too...
  • The class of 3 four year olds were super cute, but had the attention span of a shoe. One time a few weeks ago in this class, one kid came into class and immediately fell asleep. I mean passed out, deep r.e.m. cycle sleep. Just passed out while I'm singing head, shoulders, knees, and toes or something. Eventually mom just came and took him home for a lap. Shorty was comatose!
  • Special present class. If I didn't make some sort of anti-japanese language game with a "special present" to offer at the end of class, they would be out of control and wouldn't speak any English. So I'd have them tattle on each other every time one of them spoke Japanese. We'd add up points and I'd give the winner something at the end. But I ran out of cool shit after like 2 weeks. I refuse to buy stuff with my own money, so I'd give them brochures for museums and used pens. Good class.
  • Where do I start with this one. Let's call him Jimmy, though that's not his name. One day he started asking me off color questions, like if I "play sex" and things like that. I didn't answer these questions about my sex life, penis size, frequency of love hotel visits, etc... but I didn't really stop him either. It was funny to me. He taught me things like boins are big boobs. And ero hon are erotic books. I learned these cause I had no idea what he was saying, and would write things down to ask the Japanese staff later. I can't do him justice on the blog, but his stories are always a riot when we are hanging out at the izakaya in Tokyo or somewhere. On his last day, an assignment was to write a letter about your likes and dislikes. Let me quote his, which I kept. Bold are what he wrote. "I don't like Brian. I'd rather play kill Brian. I like to kill Brian wrestle and have race. I go to love hotel. My favorite subject is SEX. I like play SEX, too. I do my home SEX. Then I play in bed."
  • The horrible junior high class. They would just sit staring at me blankly for 50 minutes. They wouldn't speak any word unless I said it first. This was also my last class of the day. So after what was a pretty good load of classes, I'd have the class that drained all my energy. This usually led to me drinking more than I should have when meeting up with friends.
  • I have a new junior high class, but they seem kinda boring.
  • I have a new class of 5 year olds who rock! They laugh at all my stupid joke faces and shit that I am always doing. And my dancing. This is key to mutual enjoyment in my classes. Brian sensei ain't to chipper at around 6:30pm, but adorable kids laughing at me putting stuffed animals on my head, or getting excited that I am entertaining the idea of eating a soccer ball which I am calling ice cream... well thats better than an extra hot quad tall mocha valencia! Yeah, I use caffine as a stimulant to get through the day.
  • A new smart kid who is solo in one class. These are always good, cause I always seem to accomplish something. Yes, I have plenty of classes where I don't get much learning out.
  • A crazy 3 boy, 3 girl 9 year old class. I had them play boys vs. girls beer pong. They started off shy, but by the end they were getting into it. If you think I actually gave my kids beer, you are an idiot. It was sake.
  • Super cute baby class!!!
  • Some older kids who I haven't figured out yet. Maybe good, maybe bad.
  • An awesome 8 or 9 year old class. One kid is really smart at the English. He asked me, "Do you like poo poo?" When I gave him the look that he had to ask something else, he replied, "I know I'm bad... but I'm so good." This class is gonna be hilarious. **Update** He punched me in the balls, like hard and shit, then asked me what was wrong.
  • Tracy's friday girls. They were Tracy's favorite class. They are just goofy teenage girls. I think they are part of the "cool crowd". They swear a lot in Japanese. Good way to end the day.
  • 6 month old baby! I just roll balls around and sing for 30 minutes. If baby smiles at the ugly gaijin, I feel satisfied.
  • High school kids! They are 15. I can actually almost hold an educated conversation with someone. Hooray.
  • 10-7! I'm off an hour earlier on Saturday. But I have to go in at 10. I'm in at 11:30 every other day. This may all seem late compared to a 9-5 job, but it's hard to get up 90 minutes earlier than normal just one day a week.
The Same:
  • I'm happy to say "luva luva pink" is still here. This is the class with 2 boys who are always hugging on each other and grabbing each other's junk. One day I asked what color crayon they wanted, and they both shouted "luva luva pink!" So luva luva pink got 2 more boys a couple months ago and I thought that was the end of it. But no. Now it's 4 6 year old boys rolling around in a giant kancho ball, grabbing each other's balls and asses every chance they get. I'm serious, they absolutely are crazy about grabbing on each other. And they don't even attempt to go for me, which is great. Cause Brian sensei will put frisky kids in the sleeper hold if need be.
  • Emo girl who speaks near perfect English. I always go and steal cakes and snacks from the breakroom for us in this class. I'm in the shit with some of the staff about eating more than my fair share of cakes and what not, but I'll write about that another day.
  • The cute 3 year old who runs to hug me the second she gets to school. She's now with the 3 year old who thinks he is Buzz Lightyear. I tried to teach him to write the sideways 8 to represent infinity, from "to infinity and beyond". It didn't work.
  • Oh god. It's a time of transitions. Kids who used to play and color on the floor now have to sit at tables. So far that's been ok. But the kids who have been tied to their moms and now need to leave them for 45 minutes... That shit is gonna be whack. I'll have to hit up the caffine before this one.
  • Cute baby who looks like an alien
  • Smart girl who is obbsessed with cute, small dogs.
So thats it, my new life teaching. Much much much better I think (so far). I have 5 less classes a week overall, but that may change soon. I have more classes where we sit at tables, and less where I need to be on the floor. I have less bilungual kids, but more medium-high level students. I still have a bunch of babies.

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